What Are Boundaries Anyway?

A question that came up recently in my practice was, just what are these things we call boundaries anyway? This is a word that gets tossed around a lot these days, and like much self-help lingo it has an immediate metaphorical appeal, but can also be quite confusing when you’re trying to apply it in real-world situations.

In its non-metaphorical use we recognize a boundary as a physical structure that demarcates one physical area from another. That could be a river, or a road, or a wall, but the effect is that it keeps one side isolated and separate from the other. So when we talk about boundaries in psychotherapy, the natural sense is that we are going to be putting up some kind of barrier to keep things out. That might be bad news, bad vibes, or bad actions, but the key idea is that we are saying no to some things.

But often, in the way we use the term, boundaries can take on the connotation of a hard cutoff (and indeed, for people who come from overly-strict backgrounds, there can be a real tendency to assume that making a boundary equates to cutting people off completely). But most boundaries aren’t that. Most boundaries sound more like, “When you talk to me in that tone I feel bad, could you please speak to me more kindly?”

Or “I’m not available then, would another time work?”

Or “I really need you to clean the dishes a few nights a week.”

So, we call them boundaries, but they’re really less about building walls and more about identifying something that’s bothering you or doesn’t work for you and then asking for what you need. And then - if you want to stay in relationship with the other person - there might be a negotiation. So the PROCESS of setting boundaries may start from a definite thing you want, but then may also have to shift in conversation with the other person. This is especially true in intimate relationships where money, parenting, sex, housekeeping, and so forth are constant topics. Generally, the more intimate, complicated, and interconnected a relationship is, the more negotiation will be involved in this process.

It’s also important to note that some boundaries are internal. That is, they’re about what YOU let in or keep out, about how you let things affect you emotionally. That might be a restriction on a behavior - “I am only going to read the news once a day at 5 pm” - or it might be a dedication to awareness and management of your emotional state in response to things happening around you outside of your control. If you know certain things bother you, you might work towards building an internal boundary that acknowledges these things are happening, feels your annoyance at them, and moves through that and back to a place of enjoying your life.

So, as always with any self-help paradigm, don’t mistake the metaphor for a hard reality. These things are as much poetry as they are engineering, and make sure you are asking the deep questions about what these metaphors actually mean in practice. Good luck.