Narrative, Part 2 - How to Work With Your Narratives
Most of the time when people come to therapy, it’s because some of the things they are experiencing in the present moment are at odds with the narratives they have about their lives in ways that are confusing, scary, or just make them feel like something is wrong. As therapists, our work is often to help you deepen these narratives into ones that can integrate all of these different, often contradictory and therefore confusing, experiences you are having.
You bring your existing storylines, memories, emotions, body sensations, images, impulses and so forth to the p(l)ot; then we use what research tells us about human development, our place in the natural world, and the role of social life to spice that mix, and bring out different flavors and perspectives that make for a much richer stew. In that process there’s a growing acceptance of all of these different parts of you, because those parts don’t need to be excluded all or part of the time in order to maintain a cohesive sense of yourself. Instead those different parts become part of the delicious nuanced tapestry that is you.
Indeed, much (but not all!) of therapy is a telling and retelling of these stories, a constant reworking and deepening of the narratives of our lives that start to make sense of the oftentimes confusing things we do, think, or feel. I often think of my job more as a life-story editor than anything else - identifying the parts that aren’t yet integrated and gently helping you turn your attention towards them so that they can come in from the dark and join the rest of you. This makes it sound abstract, but it’s not abstract at all - these narratives shape the import we give events, and that import is first and foremost a FELT reality. If you are talking about the narratives that shape your life and you’re NOT feeling a fair amount of emotion then you’re probably not in touch with what’s really going on.
This is also true of the excluded parts of the story - most of the time they are excluded exactly because they make us feel too much. When you touch on that material it can be overwhelming, producing a distressing amount of emotion. Oftentimes that comes with intense bodily reactions, sometimes even producing panic attacks (if that’s happening then stop! That material needs a more gentle approach). Because there is so much intensity to this material, it is outside the window of tolerance (essentially the range of intensity of emotions that you can tolerate), and part of the work here is approaching that material in a titrated way, over time, allowing you to develop more comfort with the emotions it brings, and ultimately to expand your window of tolerance. THEN it can be folded into the story of you without becoming a wrecking ball.
So how do you go about this? First, it helps a lot to work with someone who can hold this material with you, instead of doing it all by yourself. That might look like talking with friends, or a therapist, or even group therapy.
Second, with that support, you turn your attention in a curious and non-judgmental way towards the things that are happening, for as long as you can. That might be a thought, an emotion, an image, or feelings in your body, but whatever it is you put your attention on it and just notice what else happens. If it’s a thought, then as you pay attention to it does it also have an emotional tone? Can you locate the feeling of that in your body somewhere? Is there an image that comes with it? An impulse to move? Is this a familiar thought/feeling/sensation?
As you explore all of this material you articulate it. And as you articulate it it steadily becomes folded into your story. You might go over it once and it’s done, but with the really deep core material you’ll probably return to it again and again for a long while as you build tolerance, explore it, and make sense of it and the impact it has had on your life. It’s a rich and rewarding, though not easy journey. Good luck, and as always, if you need help with the process please reach out to me or another professional.